


The bearded lady always said the best way to a man’s heart was through his stomach

by ceria



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 16:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2819240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceria/pseuds/ceria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil and his friends talk about his recruitment into SHIELD. </p><p>Smaragdbird, I hope you enjoy this and have a great holiday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The bearded lady always said the best way to a man’s heart was through his stomach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smaragdbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/gifts).



For all the times he’d wished for quiet days, Jasper was willing to take it back right _now_. With Maria and Natasha away on a secret project, and Phil on a mission with Fury - overdue but not compromised - days at HQ were a little too quiet. On the good side, all his reports were filed and up-to-date. Phil wouldn’t be able to claim that when he returned.

The buzz of his office phone didn’t startle him – really. “What’s up, cue ball?” Darcy asked and Jasper sighed, but he wasn't actually disappointed.

“Nada. You heard back from your boss then? Is he on his way?”

“Not yet,” Darcy replied, “but I suspect it won’t be long, considering.”

“Considering what?” Jasper asked, holding the phone away when she laughed at him.

“Why, Sitwell, isn’t your ear to the ground? How do you not know?”

He didn’t tell her he’d spent all morning behind a closed door, filing. Nope. “What’s going on, Darcy?”

“Barton is going on, my man. Come get me.”

Oh god, if she was going to carry on about his arms like Phil used to… “Use more words, Miss Lewis."

“He’s in the cafeteria, Jasper. _Cooking_. Vamanos.”

That was all he needed to hear, “On my way, eight ball.” 

Darcy looked neat as always. Figured Phil would find an assistant with a matching eye for apparel. She met him at Phil’s door, locking it behind her and Jasper held out his arm for her. His mama had raised a gentleman, after all. 

“Tell me about your day, dear,” she said, tossing her loose hair over her far shoulder.

“Quiet,” Jasper admitted and Darcy grinned at him.

“Oh God, tell me about it. It’s boring when Coulson isn’t here. And Hill, and Fury… and almost everyone who’s fuuuuun.” She patted Jasper’s arm but he knew she didn’t mean him. They’d spent most of yesterday together, updating the betting pools, playing a couple furious games of online chess, and sniggering over the baby agents. Darcy might not be more than an L3, but she had years on some of them.

She leaned a little closer, “Franks came by again yesterday,” she whispered. “He apologized.”

“Good for you,” Jasper told her; the man had been out of line but Darcy had stood her ground and dealt with it. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if Clint or Phil had paid the idiot a visit as well. Probably not; Jasper had overheard most of her last conversation with him. Darcy was amazing.

“I had drinks with Garrett last night,” Jasper said and Darcy frowned.

“I know he’s passed all the requirements, and boss man likes him, but he creeps me out.” Jasper couldn’t agree more but he also couldn’t tell Darcy that. Over dinner last night, John had insinuated… well, Jasper didn’t even want to think about it, not before he talked to Fury. Besides, it was lunch time and Clint was cooking…

“Dude,” Darcy said with awe; the cafeteria was still a click or so away but the end of the line was directly around the curve of the corridor.

“He’s going to run out of food,” Jasper said. Damn it. Clint really could cook when he was stressed. 

“I hope not,” one of the Agents in front of them said. “Last winter he made clam chowder just like my grandmother. It was amazing.”

“This summer I had his jumbalya,” another said. “It was awesome.”

“Those tamales last time…” Darcy was practically drooling from the memory. So was Jasper and he’d begged for Clint’s recipe but hadn’t received it. Phil had later told him that Clint had picked up most of his recipes while traveling with the circus. Phil was a lucky man who ate well too well.

“Not this time,” she declared and pulled out her phone, texting ‘birdbrain.’ Oh God, Clint had let her keep his contact called that? “We’re good, don’t worry. He’ll set aside something for us.”

It took twenty minutes to get into the cafeteria but the smell… “Red pepper and corn bread for sure,” Jasper said, and Darcy nodded. She kept glancing over her shoulder though. “What?” 

“We’re the end of the line and he’s not here yet,” Darcy said. “Coulson never misses Clint’s cooking. Ever. What if…”

“There’s nothing wrong,” Jasper said. Level three or not, she worried about Phil and this wasn’t right. But he did lower his voice because it wasn’t for the agents in front of him to hear. “He and Fury took a detour, is all. They’ve checked in regularly with no hint of anything wrong. It’s good, chica.”

“Awesome, plátano,” she replied, glancing toward the kitchen and sighing a little. And yes, there was Barton, in all his glory, putting two-thirds of the ops agents and their handlers to shame, even while wearing sweats and a sleeveless tee. Possibly because of the lack of sleeves.

“Not you too,” he said, but wasn’t able to finish the thought.

“Oh yes,” Nick Fury said from behind Jasper, making him flinch. How the hell had they gotten behind him? “Why do you think Phil keeps her around?”

“Because I’m excellent at my job and boss man hates filing,” Darcy said, leaning against Phil’s side briefly without letting go of Jasper’s arm. “Nice of you to show, boys, just in the nick of time too.”

Phil rolled his eyes and Fury glared at Darcy, but she shrugged it off, as always. Brave woman, she was. 

But Nick wasn’t wrong. Phil always got that private little smile on his face when Clint was around; today was no different. “Your mission?” Jasper asked and Fury shrugged, glancing at the other Agents in line too close to them still. Later then.

“I put a few things in your office, Jaz” Phil murmured. For three years now, Phil and Nick hid their presents in Jasper’s office and no one had figured it out yet. Jasper was really good at misdirection when it was important.

“Welcome back, Phil,” Jasper said and Phil pulled his eyes away from Barton to grin at him. The smile changed from that private little one to another personal one that was usually saved for him, Nick, Natasha, or Maria. And lately Darcy, who, Jasper realized as they stood there, had wormed her way into all their hearts. She was sneaky like that – Clint would be proud of her.

“What’s on the menu today?” Phil asked, grinning as he stole Jasper’s usual question about the crazy lunches they sometimes had.

“No idea, ask your boy,” Jasper said and Nick laughed, clapping him on the back. 

“You think Phil’s been thinking about food these past ten minutes?”

“Hey,” Phil protested, “I get to eat his food whenever I want.”

“Case proven,” Jasper said, “Nick is right again.”

Darcy shuddered. “Oh God, when we get back, I left the file I’m working in on your desk. Can I get in there first, boss man? Please?” She looked positively evil for a second, “that way I have something to do while you... debrief with your archer.”

“Oh no,” Phil said, shaking his head, “you’ve been quipping with Clint again, haven’t you? What did I tell you about that?” What surprised Jasper the most, however, was Phil’s lack of automatic repudiation. Usually when one of them referred to Barton that way in public, Phil immediately protested.

“What the hell, Coulson?” Jasper whispered, keeping his voice between the four of them. “What just changed?”

“The official 590-D,” Nick said for him. “Filed three days ago at oh-seven-thirty. Which means…” He glanced at Darcy and she bounced up and down, smiling wide enough that the Cheshire cat would be proud.

“No way,” Jasper whined just as Darcy said, “I win!”

“What’s the prize?” Phil asked but Darcy only laughed. Jasper knew though.

“In a few minutes,” Jasper said and Phil narrowed his eyes, but didn’t complain. The nice thing about eating lunch with Nick Fury meant the nearby tables would be empty and they could talk in relative peace. 

They’d finally reached the actual food, just as Clint washed his hands and threw a button down over his dirty t-shirt.

“Welcome home,” Clint said, joining them, carrying two trays of food and drinks for the five of them. Nick and Jasper took them immediately and Clint briefly leaned against Phil. No PDA’s in public; that was their personal rule.

Now it felt like home again with the majority of them together. Only Maria and Natasha were missing, on a mission elsewhere. So it wasn’t everyone, but enough that the table they picked didn’t feel like too many holes were left by the empty chairs. And Phil and Nick were back with no obvious wounds, another positive.

Phil finished first, as always. Darcy and Clint (and Maria when she was present) were slow eaters, unable to curtail their conversation enough to scarf their meals down. Former military for Barton and Hill, but definitely not Rangers like Phil and Nick. Each of them sat back and sighed, stomachs full of great food.

“So, my prize,” Darcy said and Clint almost dropped his fork at that. Apparently he – though in all honestly, Natasha had probably told him – knew the bet. 

“Do tell,” Phil said and Jasper couldn’t wait for this.

“You mean ‘do ask,’ boss man. My prize is one question of my choice about whatever I want and one of you is required to answer one-hundred percent honestly.”

Darcy was smart enough to catch on quick enough, but the damage was done. If only one of them was required to tell the complete truth… well, that made things so much simpler.

“Your question, Miss Lewis?” Phil asked.

“How did you two join SHIELD?” she asked Phil and Clint.

“I met Nick just out of high school,” Phil said. “We served together and he recruited me. I’ve told you that before.”

“That’s boring. I want details, Coulson,” Darcy said and Nick nodded.

“Barton was a crack shot when I first met him, but it’s no secret that he didn’t get along with a lot of people.”

“Nick and I met on a joint military mission. I have an unusual perspective on things,” Clint added. “My Commanding Officer didn’t appreciate that. I left after that tour and joined SHIELD, hoping for some broader viewpoints but too many Agents think like the military did. We disagreed too many times and Nick decided to find someone with a more… flexible outlook.”

“You were like, ten, when Coulson graduated from high school, and probably in your early twenties by the time he was done with the Rangers,” Darcy said. “Which means you hadn’t been an asset for long enough to piss off that many people, Clint. No way.”

“Ahh,” Nick said and Jasper just sat back to enjoy – he knew this story, had been here with Phil finally joined SHIELD. “You’re assuming I recruited Phil to SHIELD directly out of the Army.”

“But you served together,” Darcy said, “You’ve known him forever.”

“I’m not that old,” Phil complained and Clint leaned into his shoulder, trying to console him apparently. “Maybe I needed a break and wanted to use my GI bill for college. Being a Ranger was… trying sometimes. University had to be easier.”

“Phil decided to become an accountant,” Nick scoffed and Darcy rolled her eyes.

“Now I know you’re lying.”

“I thought it was a history professor,” Jasper said and Clint shook his head.

“I’ve seen the diploma; Phil’s a vet. He wasn’t sure he could repair people after the Rangers, but animals are totally different. He’s great with pets.”

“I wanted to be an engineer – to build things that helped people,” Phil admitted. It sounded truthful to Jasper, who didn’t actually know what Phil’s degree was.

“So… go on,” Darcy said after they fell quiet for too long, each of them probably thinking about their recruitment into SHIELD. Jasper was going to miss these times together when he took his next mission.

“Nick wanted to bring me in,” Clint said, backpedaling to his own early years. “I had obvious a thing for competent women, so he tried Natasha first.”

“She led Barton around by his…” Jasper glanced at Darcy and revised his comment. “Well, she was too good at her job. So Maria went after Clint.”

“Took her six weeks to track him down, and another two weeks of chasing him before he caved.” Nick sounded so proud. “He was her first recruitment and still her best catch.”

Darcy looked at Jasper, obviously curious and he nodded at Nick, who’d recruited him several years ago, stealing him away from the CIA.

“I caved,” Clint clarified, “because I was sick and tired and AIM had shot me, leaving me to bleed to death in a back alley. Maria didn’t let that happen.”

“Tell me you didn’t hit on her,” Darcy said and Phil hid his laughter behind one hand. Clint knocked against his shoulder as he nodded.

“Oh yes, and it went as well as you could imagine.” Enough years has passed to make that statement, and memory, hilarious now.

“But she continued to work with him while she was a handler,” Jasper said. “She likes Barton’s weird point of view.” Jasper couldn’t see Phil’s left hand or Clint’s right and wondered if they were holding hands beneath the table. Clint still wasn’t comfortable with those memories; they always left him uneasy and Phil could settle Clint with only a touch.

“I see things the way Maria does,” Clint admitted. “The way most people can’t. It never annoyed her.”

“Well, your vision never annoyed her,” Nick said.

“And Coulson?” Darcy asked.

“I needed Maria to run things;” Nick continued. “She didn’t stay a handler for long. Barton went through a string of people unsure how to deal with his intelligence before I thought of Phil.”

“Threatened, more like,” Phil grumbled and yeah, that wasn’t too far off from Jasper’s recollection. 

“Only because you turned me down twice,” Nick said and Phil sighed.

“Why?” Darcy asked. “This job is perfect for you, boss.”

“I had a good job.”

“You had a _safe_ job. You were meant for more than that.”

“You were meant for me,” Clint said, and Jasper wished he didn’t hear it. He, like Nick, pretended they didn’t. Darcy, not so much.

“Awwww, you’re precious.”

“Pathetic,” Nick and Jasper corrected at the same time. Clint flicked pieces of his napkin at both of them. Being Clint, it really stung.

“Anyway,” Clint said, moving a little away from Phil, “Nick made him promise to try SHIELD out, but I got Phil to stay.”

“You did not,” Phil said, frowning slightly, though it sounded to Jasper more like Phil was trying to save face than actually disagree. Not that he could save much face with them; Jasper had once borrowed Phil’s Captain America flannel pants when he slept over. And Nick had read most of Phil’s comic collection years ago. 

Natasha once swore that Phil had a red, white and blue… toy in his bedroom but Jasper wasn’t sure he believed that. She had a tendency to exaggerate in order to tease her friends.

“Yes, he did,” Nick said and Phil looked startled at that, glancing at Nick with a questioning look. “You were bored with your safe job. You joined us for adventure, but stayed for Strike Team Delta. You do love a challenge."

“Clint really is a good cook,” Phil teased, “and I hate eating out.”

“It was the arms,” Jasper said in a stage whisper to Darcy. “Phil couldn’t resist those arms once he got here and made _friends_ with Clint.” He made finger quotations when he said friends, just to make Darcy laugh.

“Shut up, Jaz,” Phil grumbled, yet he didn’t actually disagree. 

“Everyone in training warned me,” Phil said to Darcy. “They all told me that Barton and Romanoff were used to break low-level Agents. That I would be run over by them and would beg for my freedom and thank God every day after I got out.”

“What happened?”

“He proved them wrong,” Jasper said. “I told Phil the night before his first mission with Strike Team Delta to keep his head on straight and his eyes open.” Even Jasper had been surprised at how well Phil took to being a handler and not one to hide behind the comms and stay safe. Typically when they invariably needed an extraction, or found their own way home, it was the three of them together. 

“Phil accepted us as we were,” Clint said. Nick leaned back in his chair, hands folded behind his head like some proud papa. "He came for us, we trusted him, and I cooked afterwards." Clint shrugged as if that explained all of it. Maybe it really did.

“It helped that he’s as crazy as you two,” Nick added.

“What exactly happened on that mission?” Darcy asked but each of the men around the table shook their heads.

“Oh no, that’s a story for another day, Miss Lewis.” Phil told her. “It’s time to get back to work.”

 

 

/end

**Author's Note:**

> Per smaragdbird’s request, I tried to include the following: snark, banter, Clint/Coulson, Phil & Jasper, Phil & Nick, Darcy as Phil’s admin, Clint responsible for recruiting Phil, slice of life, and alluded to Jasper as a good guy / double agent. Because I adore the Avenger kink meme, I also used part of a cute prompt where Clint cooks at HQ and the agents love it.


End file.
